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The first time I was made aware of my husband’s interest was shortly before we were married. He came home from work and presented me with a letter and walked away and left me to read it alone. I was so afraid this was a “dear Jane” letter of sorts, so when I found its contents to be a confession of having had an interest in “the past” with cross dressing, I was actually relieved. At the time he presented this to me as something that was in his past and that he was simply clearing his conscience. It did not throw me too much, we all have things we do when we are younger and discontinue as we mature.
It was shortly after the birth of our first child that this topic came up again. To be honest, I can’t remember how I found out, but I remember feeling as though I had been kicked in the stomach. The fact that my husband wore women’s clothing did not “freak me out” at that time. It was rather a hit to my self esteem as a woman. I had put on TONS of weight through the pregnancy, felt extremely unattractive and I was sure my husband was trying to get something that he was not finding in me; a skinny, sexy woman.
I remember going to the library and “researching” exactly what cross dressing was. Was my husband homosexual? Did he want to be a woman? Was I falling short as a woman and he felt it necessary to fill that need himself. I came to realize it did not have anything to do with me, as a woman. I tried to be a part of his Heidi-time, but still found it very uncomfortable for me. After some years, and seeing the beautiful photos of Heidi he had posted on his social media site, we decided to take a trip to Las Vegas with the intention of having a “girl’s day”. I think we were both pretty nervous. As we left the hotel and walked along the strip she seemed very self conscience which in turn made me even more nervous. I wasn’t comfortable with Heidi. In some ways it felt like I was with a stranger. And the person I usually lean on in uncomfortable situations, my husband, wasn’t really there. I know he was disappointed that the event did not go smoother. We have tried other ways to have me interact with Heidi, but nothing has quite worked.
There are areas that I feel more comfortable. We go shopping, as husband and wife, and look at clothes together. I often make suggestions on what would look good on his body type or even try to have him buy something that I secretly wish I could wear, but would never be as daring as Heidi can be. I have always been okay with this activity together. There have been times when I am out shopping that I will see something that looks “like Heidi” and will surprise him with it. I don’t mind discussing his ideas for outfits or supporting his “get aways”. I just think for me it is a “hobby” he has that I have to be a spectator in and not a participant.
My husband is an incredible husband and father. He has always been very attentive to my needs and wants. He spends much of his free time with the kids and me and makes us his top priority. I have never had any complaints about the man I married. I have had to figure out what Heidi’s part is in our relationship because let’s be honest it isn’t what I initially signed up for. BUT in all honesty I believe that her presence has helped in make making my husband the incredible man he is. I would never want him to feel he had to remove her from his life to make me happy. It would change who he is and I wouldn’t want to tamper with perfection.
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