Hi, I'm Heidi, I'm an occasional cross dresser with a semi supportive wife. I like to create pretty imgages. I find dressing as Heidi a nice break from all the hustle and bustle of life. My wife doesnt actually participate but knows that if I didnt like to crossdress I might not be the person that she loves. She likes that I don't mind browsing the ladies department with her and she'll occasionally surpise me with a gift of a pair of heels or something.
I have been very impressed with how many people have actually read and commented about my profile. Please continue to contact me with comments or questions.
The LONG Version:
I have been privately dressing in girls clothes almost as long as I can remember. I can recall being very young and putting my sister's Barbie doll dress on my Lone Ranger action figure. I also recall sitting at the end of a church pew when I was very little with my head down so all I could see was the feet of the people walking up the isle to take their seats. I remember looking at the pairs of high heels walking past and thinking that for all I could tell, that might be man in women’s clothing. For some reason this intrigued me.
The practice of crossdressing increased quite a bit while I was a teen. I would sometimes fake being sick so I could stay home and try on my sister and mom's dresses and heels. My hair was a little shaggy then and I would try to curl it and tease it. A few times I did that, put on makeup, dress, heals, jewelry, the whole deal, and walked out the front door to the mailbox and back. I loved to hear the clicking of my heels on the sidewalk and the breeze blowing my skirt. I would sometimes wear nightgowns to bed or panties under my clothing.
I was always attracted to girls and enjoyed being a boy but would occasionally be compelled to dress in feminine attire. I had a hard time accepting myself for doing these things. I wondered if I would someday discover that I was gay or had a split personality or something. I would stop for a little while but would find a way to rationalize why I should do it again. It was exciting and fun.
My sister caught me once in her mini-skirt, blouse, nylons and heels. I'm sure she thought I was gay. I hade her promise not to tell anyone and I guess I did a good job of talking m way out of it because no one ever mentioned it.
During my college years, I didn’t crossdress very often. I was busy with studying and, living with roommates, didn’t get many opportunities. After college I moved into an apartment by myself and the privacy (and possibly the boredom) contributed to my renewed desire for the excitement of cross-dressing. I bought a pair of black pumps from the Sears catalog and the cycles of buy and purge had begun..."now I've got a steady girlfriend, it'll be easy to quit."...throw out the shoes, 4 months later buy another pair..."now that we're engaged, I'll have to stop"...throw, buy..."now that we're married..."
Before we were married I decided she needed to know my secret. I was incredibly nervous. I wrote her a letter and gave it to her as I headed into the bedroom to hide. The letter wasn’t 100% honest. I said I used to like to dress in my sister's and mom's clothes in private when I was in high school but that the practice had "faded". Which was true, I hadn’t dressed to that extent in years, but it implied that the desire was gone. But that was OK. This was a big enough leap of faith for now. I was preparing to lose the most important thing in my life. But she was great. She put her arm around me and said it was no big deal. She still loves me. I was shocked. I asked her if she actually read the letter. She said she was afraid at first that I was breaking it off with her and was relieved that it was just this.
So that was a relief but those black pumps kept calling me. I continued my cycles of buy and purge in secret and it was harder than ever. Now that we were married, I was surrounded by all these fabulous frilly and feminine things that I just had to try on. Finally about a year and a half later on the spur of the moment I decided to tell her the whole truth. I told her of a dream I had the previous night where she walked up to me and gave me a big kiss…and I was in complete drag. She asked me if this was something I was interested in and I said "yes". Then came a very long talk and confession.
The following few months were very hard for her. She didn’t really understand it. She couldn’t talk to anyone about it to get a friend's opinion. She didn’t hate me but was confused by why I'd want to do something like this. The following year was a roller coaster of emotions directed at this issue. She's curse it, try to accept it fully, helped me with it, been hurt my it, had fun with it, been annoyed by it, been turned off by it, been turned on by it, and been jealous of it.
I think we've both come to terms with how it fits into our relationship. And I do mean BOTH. Not only has she accepted it more but so have I. I no longer feel so guilty for wanting to dress in women's clothes. I'm more comfortable with the idea I can dress up occasionally and still be a good husband and father. We both are of the opinion that my ability to let my feminine side surface and not be confined to the male stereotype makes me a better person as a whole.
She knows that everyone has their vices that they turn to escape the pressures of the world, and if this is the worst thing I do, then it isn’t so bad. She doesn’t want me to go out and proclaim it to the world because of the almost definite negative impact it would make on our relationships with friends, relatives, and the community at large, and make things very hard for our kids, especially...and I agree with her. She also sometimes has a fear that someday I'll decide that I want to be Heidi full time. That would be impossible for me because I would have to give up 95% of the things I love in life. I understand the fears though because, despite her reassurance, I still fear that one day she'll say she can't take being married to a cross-dresser anymore. We each have our insecurities but neither is very real.
We have developed some rules:
No pierced ears. No body alterations. I do now shave my legs but I have taken up running and although the majority of male runners don’t shave their legs, enough do that it’s not telling. No meeting others.
I can do it as often as I want, but not in front of her unless she says so.
Talking about it is important.
She gets the man the vast majority of the time and anytime she specifies.
I'm glad we agreed I would not have pierced ears, long hair or body alterations. It allows me to jump back to my usual self easily and there is no need to be self-conscious or make up lame excuses about how the campfire singed off my eyebrows.
My wife and I think a lot of the pain and anguish we experienced the early on was due to the fact that we tried to integrate Heidi into our relationship too fast. Now we're going slow and cautiously and having more fun with it. I think one of the best things we did was go to the library and read everything we could find on transvestitism. It put her and my minds at ease a lot knowing this is a fairly common hobby with others much like me and there are even national organizations. We continue to read together. We also are sure to share our feelings of the situation openly especially if one of us is uncomfortable about something. I think that makes it a lot easier.
Nowadays I only dress up about a 8-10 times a year. I don’t have a lot of spare time and I don’t think it would be fair to my wife and kids to take time out to dress up. Besides there are usually things I'd rather be doing with them. I dress up when they are out of town visiting relatives and I'm left home to work. In the winter I dress more. I can be clean-shaven and no one can tell. Women's winter clothes are more flattering on me anyways. From Halloween to Valentine's Day it is much easier to be comfortable shopping in the ladies sections of stores. This also makes me buy more and, of course, it's hard to wait to see how things look on. Frequently I'll go Christmas shopping for my wife with full intentions of just buying for her and wind up buying women's clothing for me as well.
In April 2011 I went to Las Vegas with my wife's blessing for a couple days with the Diva Las Vegas group. It was my first time in public in close proximity with others. A few times over the years I had been on the fringes of being in public....getting dressed up and then taking pictures at the far end of a parking lot or in a park that was nearly vacant...etc. Las Vegas in 2011 was a mixed bag of good and bad experiences. But then, in 2013, I decided to go again, for 3 days this time, and had a blast. I met lots of people and did lots of things I had always dreamed of doing. I think the difference was that I had a good attitude. An attitude that I didn't care what people thought and was just going to do what I wanted regardless. I don't know if this will lead to anything different but it was nice that my wife (and myself) was able so see that the sky didn't fall. Since then I have done several mini Heidi vacations even with my wife one time.
So WHY do I like to wear women's clothes? What a question! I've been trying to answer that for a couple of decades now and still may not have the answer. I've had many theories. At first I thought I'd someday discover I was gay. But I never developed any attraction to men. Or maybe "misdirected adolescent sexual cravings and as I get older they will pass". Well, there may have been something to that one but they never passed. Or maybe an outward manifestation of a sensitive, feminine side, an appreciation for all things feminine? Not bad. Then there is the envy of women, who have so many styles of clothes, hair, make-up at their disposal to custom their look to their mood. Men can’t do a whole lot to look special. I am in awe of the "transformation" whether it's a girl looking special for an occasion or a man who can appear as the opposite sex. Recently I've read about fetal hormone levels that can influence things such as gender identity. Maybe I ot a little dose of that in the womb.
Another great incentive is the "escape". Temporarily becoming Heidi is a great way to forget about life's everyday trials. When I'm feeling frustrated or anxious my imaginary world is an intoxicating drug. I am so carefree and upbeat. I read how someone else put it: Heidi lives in the moment, no future, no past, just enjoying the details at hand.
Another way of looking at it is "Why should I have to hide it? Why don’t I just shave my body, pierce my ears, pluck my eyebrows, and wear whatever I want? Those things don’t determine whether I'm a good husband, father, etc. Why don’t I just wear whatever I'm in the mood for whenever and wherever I want and not care if people know I'm a cross dresser?..." Well, it would be nice if people would treat me and my family the same regardless of my choice of appearance, but the truth is the world is teeming with closed minded people who not only cannot accept others who are different but also enjoy hurting those people by various means including gossip, name calling, misconceived or ignorant judgment and even physical harm. The pain and anguish to me and my family would not be worth the attempt to educate the public on how cross-dressers are really normal people.(remember one of the reasons I do this is to escape stress). I find it interesting that a society that formerly was intolerant of blacks, gays, unwed mothers, HIV victims, mentally retarded, etc. now accepts nearly everyone except the cross-dresser. The cross-dresser is still fair game for jokes and insult.
What I do is a private hobby that is a lot of fun and hurts no one. I hope this has been interesting and insightful. Maybe you have a better understanding of transvestitism or maybe you see yourself in my words and feel less lonely. I urge all to accept others for all their strengths and weaknesses that we all have in some way. And I urge all people like me to be the best person you can be so if your secret is ever revealed people may have a better perception of the kind of person who likes to dress of the other sex.
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