Coming Out to My Children
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Coming Out to my Daughter
I knew this day would eventually come. As the kids were growing up I figured they would eventually stumble across my stash of women's clothing, wigs, etc., probably snooping for Christmas presents, and I'd have to have a conversation with them. I also wondered if maybe there would some day be a situation where sharing my private hobby with one or more of the kids might be of benefit to them. A similar scenario has occurred a few times when Nikki's friends that have marital challenges and ask how she and I can have such a perfect marriage. She has shared with a few friends our unique situation and how we manage it. Our kids are all grown up now and neither of those things have happened. I always stood by the idea that if sharing this knowledge about their dad would benefit them then it was ok to tell them but if that info would be a burden to them (growing up is hard enough) or if sharing the information was for my own benefit then I should not say anything.
Certainly, I have left them hints: shaved legs, neutral colored painted toenails, clothes shopping with my wife... But conversations with them have revealed that none of them have any suspicion about me. They see me as the manly, hiking, camping, hard working, loving husband and father. That's wonderful but kind of scary when considering the eventuality of a revelation that could disturb a really good relationship. Over time we've subtly probed their opinions on transgender topics both to gauge their perspective as well as prepare them if they ever found out about me.
I have always stood by the mantra that what I do isn't hurting anyone.
A neighbor's 20 year old child came out on facebook that "they" are non-binary. That prompted one of those conversations where my wife asked my daughter what she thought about it. Our kids have always been pretty accepting of others but having a childhood friend, or maybe a family member on the TG spectrum might be a little different. Pressing the issue a little my wife lightheartedly asked, "What if one day your brother put on a dress and said 'I feel like being pretty today'"? My daughter got kind of moody and gave an abrupt answer.
Later that day I went for a walk with that daughter and she vented that she doesn't like the way that Mom seems to make fun of TG people.
First, my daughter was mistaking my wife's casual questions as mocking. Second, was my hobby causing a rift between my wife and daughter? I struggled to get the words out but I said to her. The reason Mom said that was ..... I sometimes like to feel pretty...
She looked at me to see if I was kidding. Then when she saw I wasn't she said "Oh. cool" (which could mean anything). "That makes more sense". I briefly told her how my wife has always known and although it's been challenging at times everything is really good with us. Mom has been trying to balance protecting the kids with protecting me. She said that must be hard but she didn't ask any questions (there were other things we were talking about as well) and our relationship has been the same as always since then making me wonder if she really understood what I was telling her.
A week later we were alone again and she asked a few more questions like how long I've been interested in wearing girl clothes etc, and seemed more interested in if I prefer different pronouns or go by a different name.
Telling the rest of the kids:
A few months later a situation arose where my wife and I decided it was time to let the kids know about my hobby.
I individually spoke to each one and explained the situation why I felt I needed to share this information. I said, "You know how well I was able to appear in that Halloween costume as the country girl. Well that's because it's not the first time I've ever done it. I've done it a lot and actually have made some friends that are like me...married, hetero but like to enbrace their feminine side. And that's what I do on those trips to Sacramento or Atlanta...."
They all seemed to take it well and were supportive. My oldest daughter asked the most questions and seemed the most taken aback by the news. A week later she said she found my site and videos. She didn't say much about them but that she was impressed I had so many followers. My wife said she's proud of the example I have set for others of the same interest and we talked about some of the people that have contacted me and said as much, sometimes even wives of crossdressers who have thanked me for being a good example.
I described some of he good friends we've made and how impressive some of these people are in their presentation as well as their personal accomplishments.
I'm sure it's a lot for them to digest and there will be more conversations but I feel good about how things went and the freedom from no longer worrying about them finding out is wonderful.
**I know lots of people read this blog because they feel they are in a similar position. If your crossdressing is a secret and are considering sharing it you have to understand that you will no longer control the information. Now I personally believe that such personal information should be shared with a spouse but if you share it beyond that you have to be in a position in which you will be ok if the word gets spread around. Best Wishes -Heidi
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